I just cut my nipple shaving
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
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