Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Randomize
