he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
