one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
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the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
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my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I woke up under a house in Key West
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