he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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