don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
