He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Randomize
