Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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