New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Randomize
