So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
