he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
