I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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