I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
