she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
