I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Randomize
