Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Randomize
