I puked a lego.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
