Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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