You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
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