I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
