I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
