we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
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