And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
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