I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Should I hook up with a slut its your call
Yes. Wrap it. If you dont have a condom do it anyway. YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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