Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
