Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Randomize
