I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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