i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Randomize
