You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
