I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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