I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
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