I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
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