Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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