I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
