I'm laying in your front yard are you home
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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