I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
