I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
