I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
