I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
