he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
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