saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
