I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Why is your signature on my underwear?
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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