I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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