it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
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You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
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I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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