Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
