I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Randomize
