i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
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they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
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I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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