You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
