Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
