Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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