i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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