Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
