just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
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I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
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Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
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