How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
