i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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