I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Randomize
