I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
