That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize