The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.