ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.